Why Did it Have to Be?

Hi sweetheart,

Why did the things happen that happened? Why could I never find a way to happiness for us? Why were we always stuck in strife and illness? I feel like I let you down, that there was something I could have done. I lie awake at night replaying the years and while I see the better path now, at the time I did not. And so I feel like a failure. But the decisions seemed logical at the time and the right thing to do. I guess that is why I am so paralyzed about what to do now. I would give anything to change even one decision, to have you still by my side, and to have your wise counsel. It seems like we were just on a slide that was doomed to end the way it did, but why? I am sorry, I feel like I failed you.

I am proud and honored to be your husband and best buddy; you were, are, and always will be my best buddy and most beloved wife. I was always proud of you, and I still love to boast about you. I love you dearly and miss you terribly all the time. The pain is not less, and it seems like 29 September 2006 was just yesterday; and all of this is a nightmare that I cannot wake from. I can still see you in my minds eye, so many of my favorite memories as well as the one I want to forget but seems to force its way, unbidden, to my mind often every day; that horrible image of you after the end of our battle with cancer. When you were finally pain-free and with our Lord, and I had to begin to be without you. There are so many mornings when I want to call, and then remember I can't. So many times I want to hear your voice. And facing each day without the prospect of you being in it is sometimes more than I can bear. Each morning is a new challenge, just getting up and doing life without the chance to see you is difficult. I thank God that He blessed me by bringing us together, but I wish He had let me do more to save you. But maybe there was nothing to do and choices we made long ago beat us in the end. I do not know. I do know that I miss you very much.